i'm alone tonight with my fears and my sickness pouring out like blood from a wound, alone with my guilt and my record collection. is this what life is supposed to be? alienation, isolation, going through the motions every day, exchanging meaningless words with people who mouth the same pleasantries that never seem to fill the vacancy between us? is modern life the extension of disassociation and disconnection that began when our umbilical cords were severed? we walk with our gaze straight ahead, we never talk to people we don't know and we seem terrified of each other, of what might happen if we actually opened up and said hello. and i'm more terrified than anyone. i've been beaten up, year after year, and all i could do was keep my guard up to protect myself. it turned into a habit that i just can't seem to break, another sinking feeling that i just can't seem to shake. i feel like an emotional shut-in, my heart crippled by bad luck and atrophied due to a lack of exercise. and it's these moments - as i listen to old punk records and watch life flow by around me - that make me pause and remember that i can't stop the dice from coming up snake eyes and clearing the lines but i can walk away from the table.