Date: Sat, 17 Dec 1994 19:23:18 -800 (PST)
To: fragments of thought
Subject: DON'T DELETE THIS! Just read it ...
Sorry about the unimaginative title, but I couldn't really think of anything else. I really hope you didn't delete this when you saw the sender address, but I'll sit here and write it anyway, knowing that possibility exists. Call me crazy, I guess.
I just wanted to try to explain something because I didn't say much when we talked this morning and I really wanted a chance to get this off my chest. I mean, if this is it, I just want to know that I made an effort to prevent it, if that makes any sense. Probably not, but I haven't been too logical today so bear with me.
Even though you're trying to put your past behind you, I'd still like to be your friend. I don't understand why, when a couple of people can talk to each other like we did, that should go by the wayside. I don't know, maybe that was just a freak occurrence in the time-space continuum, a random pile-up of a few strange and charmed quarks crashing into each other, but the way I remember it, we could talk to each other for hours. Maybe I remembered it wrong, but if I remembered it correctly, that's not something I want to let slip away.
After all, it's hard enough to reach people on this planet. It's hard enough to get through to those around you without being misunderstood, feeling out of place or out of time. I never felt awkward when I talked to you. Maybe you did when you talked to me, I don't know. But that's part of the problem. I don't understand why you're doing this. So things didn't work out ... c'est la vie, right? Chalk it up to bad timing, or whatever. I just know that I don't have enough good friends to let friendships fall apart like this.
I wish I could talk to you on the phone about this, but I'm not sure if it's appropriate. I mean, you said "Have a nice life" and everything, but ... I guess I just wanted to express this. I guess I just wanted to let you know that if you don't want to speak to me ever again, it's something I'll live with. I won't call, I won't write and that'll be it. Maybe I'll think about you when March rains fall, but if you want to turn and walk away, I'll deal with it. But I also wanted to let you know that I still want to be your friend. Let me reiterate:
I STILL WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND. I STILL WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
If you aren't comfortable with that, please let me know. Write me back and say "Leave me alone," or "Don't write me again," or "I don't want to see any more mail from you. I don't want to talk to you again. I don't want to have any contact with you, I don't even want to hear your name because I'd rather just forget I ever knew you." Just say something about it. Say anything, I don't care what.
If you decide not to write back, that's okay, though I'll probably always wonder what happened. I'll just take that as a sign that you don't want to have any more communication with me and proceed with my life accordingly. I just wanted to let you know that I don't want to lose you as a friend and that the friendship we had was less a result of computers than understanding each other. At least, that's my take on it. I don't know what you think about it although, with any luck, I'll get a chance to find out. Just please, don't delete this. Sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense, but like I said, I haven't been too logical today.
Anyway, I'm getting all sappy, so I'm going to finish this up quick. If you choose not to write back, just know that I missed you when you were in Italy and I'll miss talking to you. I don't have any hard feelings, just a lot of confusion that I'll eventually resolve. I wish you the best in whatever you do and all that jazz ... something like that. Jesus, this is hard. I'm sitting here writing this, not knowing if you're going to respond and I don't quite know how to act. I don't even know if you're going to read this. I guess ... hell, just remember this ... I miss you. I don't regret anything and I'll miss you. And if you ever have any questions about the direction you're going, or feel like you got lost or something like that, just remember this ... I know I quoted it before, but who cares? I've repeated myself so much already that I'm starting to feel like that old cracked copy of "Kung Fu Fighting" I've got sitting 5 feet away from me. It's the second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning. Just remember that and you'll be okay. Gotta go. See ya when I see ya daisygirl.